Dr Mina Bakhterari Haftlangi

  Psychological suffering often begins not with pain itself, but with the struggle against the reality that life may unfold differently than we expected. Many people enter therapy believing that their distress is being caused entirely by difficult circumstances. A relationship has ended, a promotion never happened, someone has been criticized, rejected, betrayed, disappointed, or misunderstood. The focus naturally falls on the event itself.

   However, clinical work reveals something more complicated. For example, two individuals may experience similar losses and emerge with remarkably different emotional outcomes. One person grieves, adapts, and gradually moves forward while another remains trapped in anger, bitterness, shame, anxiety, or self-condemnation long after the event has passed. The difference is not always found in what happened.

Sometimes it is found in the conversation taking place between reality and the mind. Life unfolds in one direction, and the individual believes it should have unfolded in another way. this conversation can be like that and the reality says: “This happened, while, the mind responds: “This should not have happened.” anothe example of that kind of conversation is that the reality says: “People are imperfect and the mind responds: “They must treat me fairly.” continuaaslly reality says: “Failure is possible, and the mind responds: “I cannot fail.” The reality says: “Uncertainty exists, while the mind responds: ‘I need guarantees.” The larger the gap between these two positions, the greater the emotional struggle often becomes.

   Long before concepts such as cognitive flexibility, acceptance, self-compassion, and psychological resilience became central themes in psychotherapy, Albert Ellis was exploring this conflict. His attention was not primarily focused on emotions themselves. Instead, he became fascinated by the hidden demands people place on themselves, on others, and on life.

   Furthermore, Ellis observed that human beings rarely suffer solely because they desire something. Wanting success is not inherently harmful. Wanting love is not inherently harmful. Wanting approval, security, competence, or fairness is not inherently harmful.

   He climbed that; the problem begins when desires become demands. A preference gradually transforms into a psychological law.

    I would like to succeed because I must succeed.

    I hope people respect me. People must respect me.

    I want life to go well, because life must go well.

   These shifts may appear subtle, yet they often have profound emotional consequences. When a preference is frustrated, disappointment follows. When a demand is frustrated, catastrophe follows. This distinction became one of Ellis’s most important contributions to modern psychology.

The Invisible Dictators of the Mind

   Many of the beliefs that shape emotional suffering operate quietly beneath conscious awareness. In other words, individuals may not openly describe them as rigid rules, yet those rules often guide emotional reactions. Some people live according to perfectionistic commands.

Others organize their lives around approval-seeking expectations. Some believe they must never appear weak. Others believe they must always remain in control.

Many people carry assumptions they never consciously chose. These assumptions frequently originate from childhood experiences, family dynamics, cultural values, educational systems, or painful interpersonal encounters and over time, they become woven into personal identity.

   The individual no longer experiences them as beliefs, and they experience them as facts, this is where emotional suffering often deepens, because when beliefs become indistinguishable from reality itself, questioning them becomes difficult.

Why Emotional Pain Often Persists

   One of Ellis’s most enduring observations involved the persistence of suffering. Most painful events eventually end. A rejection occurs once.

   A criticism is spoken once. A mistake happens once. However, many individuals continue suffering for months or years afterward. Why? Because the mind repeatedly revisits the event through the lens of rigid interpretation. The original experience may last minutes. The psychological argument with reality may continue indefinitely.

    A person who believes, “I failed”, experiences pain.

    A person who believes, “Because I failed, I am worthless”, experiences a much deeper wound.

    A person who believes, “Someone rejected me”, experiences sadness.

    A person who believes, “Because I was rejected, I am unlovable”, experiences something far more pervasive.

   Ellis recognized that emotional suffering frequently expands when people attach absolute conclusions to temporary experiences.

Ellis and Modern Psychotherapy

    Psychotherapy has evolved significantly since Ellis developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), and contemporary approaches continue to address the same psychological processes from different perspectives, instead:

   Cognitive Behavioral Therapy examines patterns of distorted thinking and their influence on emotion and behavior.

   Schema Therapy explores deeply rooted assumptions that shape identity, relationships, vulnerability, trust, and self-worth.

   Acceptance and Commitment Therapy focuses on psychological flexibility and reducing entanglement with rigid cognitive patterns.

   Compassion-Focused Therapy helps individuals soften harsh internal judgments and self-criticism.

   Trauma-informed approaches often encounter rigid conclusions that emerged during overwhelming experiences, such as: “I am unsafe.” “I cannot trust anyone.” “I am powerless.” “I am fundamentally damaged.”

   Although these beliefs may have developed as attempts to understand painful circumstances, they can later become barriers to healing when they are treated as unquestionable truths.

   In this sense, many modern therapies continue to revisit themes that Ellis identified decades ago: rigidity, absolutism, self-judgment, and the psychological consequences of demanding certainty from an uncertain world.

The Courage to Prefer Rather Than Demand

   Perhaps Albert Ellis’s most radical idea was not about rationality. It was about flexibility. He did not suggest that people should stop caring about success, love, achievement, fairness, or personal goals. Rather, he encouraged a different relationship with those desires. A person can strongly prefer success without believing success is necessary for worth.

   A person can seek approval without making approval the foundation of identity. A person can pursue excellence without requiring perfection. This distinction may seem small. Clinically, it is enormous. Because emotional health is not created by obtaining everything we want, it is often created by maintaining psychological stability when we do not.

Clinical Insight

   Modern psychotherapy increasingly recognizes that resilience is not simply the ability to overcome adversity. It is the ability to remain psychologically flexible when reality refuses to conform to our expectations. More than half a century after his most influential work, Albert Ellis continues to remind clinicians of a deceptively simple truth: People are rarely wounded only by life’s difficulties. They are often wounded by the rigid demands they place upon those difficulties. Furthermore, healing frequently begins when those demands become preferences, possibilities, and choices rather than absolute psychological necessities.

Dr Mina Bakhteyari